


Sacrifice

by cadkitten



Series: Twisted Love Series [1]
Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-03-09
Updated: 2009-03-09
Packaged: 2017-11-29 14:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/688023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Die's ex-girlfriend says he knocked her up. When Kyo finds out, will he make the most of what could be his last chance?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sacrifice

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the brutal reality. I guess I didn't feel up for romance with this plot.  
> Beta Readers: kawaiikyo, witheringwhite  
> Song[s]: "Showbiz" by Muse

Die's fingers trembled as he closed his cell phone. His face was pale, drained of almost all color. He looked... sick. In fact, in Kyo's eyes, he looked more or less like he was going to hurl at any moment.

"Die?" The vocalist's voice was wary, his hand reaching out for the container his dinner had come in, now empty except a single packet of ketchup. Just in case... in case he needed it.

"She's pregnant."

The sound of Die's voice stopped Kyo's hand. He swallowed hard, eyes going back to Die's face. He looked like he was going to cry now. This wasn't good... wasn't good at all. "Who is?"

"My ex. She..." Die faded off, his voice cracking and he shook his head. "She thinks it's mine."

The vocalist's heart beat a million miles an hour, his breath hitching almost imperceptibly. The way Die looked, the fear radiating from him, the sheen of tears in his eyes... it all told Kyo that Die, too, believed it was his own. Nevertheless, he had to ask, had to find out for sure. "Could it be?"

"I... we..." Die shoved both hands into his hair and tugged almost violently, eyes closing and face screwing up in almost absolute agony. A sort of sob left his mouth, yet the tears didn't flow down his cheeks. "Maybe." The response was barely whispered, but the effect of it was tangible in the air.

He stood then, moving away from the other, heading for the bus door. Kyo watched him go, not knowing what he could do without confronting the girl himself. He didn't even know which ex they were discussing. Die had had so many in the past nine months. He counted to himself: the airhead brunette who spoke only English, the bouncy red-head with large breasts, the blonde that didn't stop talking, the screamer he'd banged at least twice while Kyo had listened from the room next door, the curly-haired French cutie (that one Kyo had at least liked), and the bitch of a possessive Japanese girl. He hoped that if it were any of them, it was the French girl. At least she was nice to everyone, including Die. Plus, they'd only broken up because she hadn't liked being alone so often. Yet, somehow, he had a sinking feeling it was one of the bitchy ones.

He gave Die a few minutes before he got up and slipped off the bus, intent on finding the guitarist. It didn't take him long. The other was hiding in the shadows further down the alleyway, crouched down as he smoked a cigarette. Even in the dark, the sheen of tears on his cheeks was obvious.

Kyo slumped against the wall next to him, making sure no one else was around before he spoke. "Which girl is it?"

Die shifted, stubbing out his cigarette and breathing out the last bit of smoke from his lungs. He shook his head as he stood up. "You won't like it."

"I figured as much." Kyo felt somehow proud of himself that he held the pieces of his mask together so well. Inside, he was a dying man. Outside... he held cool indifference. Die didn't know anything about how Kyo's mind worked, about how he truly felt about the other... or about anything, really. All Die knew was that Kyo was his close friend, band mate, and confidant.

"Di." The name came out with a bitter distaste that Kyo felt only too well.

"Ugg." The airhead brunette. That figured. She seemed like the type to forget her pill or something equally as stupid. "What'd she do? Skip her meds?"

Die shrugged, wrapping his arms around his torso. "She didn't say."

Kyo eyed the ground speculatively. "Did the condom break?"

"No. I always check. It didn't." Die sounded morose. Kyo didn't blame him.

"Then how the hell?" He flicked a glance at Die. "Maybe it's not yours."

The taller man closed his eyes, tilting his head back against the wall. "She says she's only been with me."

"Says. How much do you trust her?"

Die tensed and then let out an angry breath. "What am I supposed to do, Kyo? Demand she carry the kid until we can get a paternity test done? I'm not a fucking asshole like that."

"So what are you gonna do? Have her abort it?" The sound of distaste ran clear in Kyo's words, in the way he spat them out at Die, his posture stiffening.

Die's fists clenched. "I wouldn't. If she wants it, that's her decision, not mine." His fist slammed into the wall just above Kyo's head as he whirled on the other man, close enough that his breath huffed angrily into Kyo's face. "You think I'm like that? That I'd go against everything I know you have ever stood for? I wouldn't cut the strings between us like that." He trembled with rage, his eyes burning. With a growl, he turned away and started to stalk off.

Kyo reached out, easily catching Die's arm and stopping him. "It was the way you said it, Die. What else was I to think?" He didn't sound mad anymore, just frustrated.

Die closed his eyes, relaxing his tense posture and then shaking his head, stepping back to look at Kyo. "I'm worked up... I'm sorry."

The blonde shook his head slightly. "No need to apologize, Die. You're upset and I'm only feeding it." He knew he was, but he couldn't help it. His own nerves were on edge, feeding the anxiety in his gut and the burn in his heart. Even as the look passed over his face, he knew it was a mistake; that his mask had slipped, if only for a moment.

And that moment was more than enough for Die to catch. He studied the vocalist for a moment and then shifted his weight to the other foot, swallowing audibly. "Kyo... what's wrong?"

Kyo shook his head and put on his best face. "Just upset for you. I know you didn't want to be tied down so early. You're probably thinking about what the fans will think, how much it'll affect your popularity among them, things like that. I just wonder how Kaoru will react... or worse, Inoue."

Die stared at the other as he babbled on. The words were meaningless. It was the look in Kyo's eyes that held the red-head captivated. There was pain there: something so great he couldn't even begin to decipher it. "You're lying to cover the truth." It wasn't a question because it held a raw value of truth to it. He was certain... as certain of that as he was that his next breath would come from the air around them.

The vocalist tensed slightly and then shuddered, letting out a soft sigh as he cut off mid-sentence to stare into Die's eyes. He saw an understanding there that he didn't like. No one was ever supposed to figure him out. Not in any way, shape, or form. And yet, Die had in some small way. "Maybe so. But you don't want the truth, Die. Trust me." It was his turn to leave and he did exactly that, ripping free of Die's grasp when he tried to stop him.

Too late, it occurred to him how it might look to Die, how the other might take it that he was leaving. Not the way it was, certainly. But worse. As if his best friend had just abandoned him. By the time he had stopped to think, he was back at the bus, hand on the door. The sight he found broke his heart more than the knowledge that Die would never be his, but always someone else's now. Die would do the right thing and marry Di, help her raise the child no matter whose it was... because that was who Die was. And the thin string of hope that Kyo had been holding on to for all these years would fray and break. Inevitable.

But the look on the guitarist's face now was more than enough to make Kyo regret walking away. He needed someone right now; even if just for a night. With a sigh, the blonde let go of the bus door and slowly walked back to Die's side. Once there, he stared at the ground between them, gathering his courage - every piece of it he'd been putting in reserve since all those years ago when he'd realized he was completely and irrevocably in love with the other man.

Swallowing hard, he finally looked up, meeting Die's confused eyes as he took the two steps to close their distance and slowly reached up, fingertips tracing over Die's cheek. In the next moment, his lips were pressed to Die's, mouth moving slowly over the guitarist's. What caught him off guard was that Die instantly responded, kissing him back fiercely, his hands fisting in Kyo's hair, tugging lightly. Before he even knew what hit him, Die had him against the wall and his mouth was working down Kyo's throat, his breath hot against the slightly chilled skin.

Kyo just stood there, hands on Die's arms, eyes wide and mind reeling. He felt lost, like there was something vital he was missing in it all, but he had no idea what it was. When Die finally stopped, he simply remained with his head pressed to Kyo's shoulder; his larger frame shuddering slightly in what Kyo thought would most certainly be tremors of tears. He'd just caught the red-head off guard... that was all. Die hadn't understood what he was doing until he was already doing it and now he regretted it.

"Die... I'm sorry. I had no right." The world swam in front of Kyo's eyes, his head spinning dizzily, vision blurring, and his chest aching like someone was taking an ice pick to it every few seconds - one stinging blow at a time to rip his heart out of his chest and expose it on the ground under them.

When Die's eyes met his own, he stared back in confusion. There was no anger or remorse there. Rather, he found the same look he saw in his own mirror every single day. Die was scared, trapped, and more than a little confused. But there was a passion under it that ate away at Kyo's insides like the brightest flame.

"Would you ever forgive me if I did what I wanted right now?" It was to both of their amazements that Die's voice didn't even tremble when he spoke.

Kyo's tongue flicked out to lick lightly at his lips. The taste of the guitarist there was almost too much. "That depends on what you want."

"You." The single word had so much power behind it.

The blonde stared at the ground, his eyes unseeing as he reasoned it over in his head. "Just my body?"

He didn't have to look up to know Die was shaking his head. "If I had my way, it would be all of you, Kyo. But I can't have that... we both know what I have to do about Di and the kid." He sighed softly, shifting in his spot, but not backing up any. "It doesn't change the fact that I've always wondered what it would be like with you... wondered what I could have if I just gave in."

"You've known... how long?" Kyo's voice betrayed him in a way that Die's did not.

"My birthday, four years ago." A crooked smile graced Die's lips again for a moment. "No one else has ever looked at me like that. I guess you thought I'd be too trashed to notice. But you had this look like you wanted to devour me whole... and at the same time, this underlying emotion that it took me more than a month to sort out into what it really was." He stopped then, not wanting to say that he'd figured out it was love... the kind that didn't just disappear or fade away, the kind that was far more than brotherly.

The street remained silent except the sound of their breathing for the longest time. Die's cell phone broke the silence, playing a melody of some American rock song Die liked. The guitarist made a face and pulled it out, looking at the number and going pale. "It's her."

Kyo plucked the phone from Die's fingers without even thinking, flipping it open and pressing it to his ear. "Di? This is Kyo."

The sound of the woman's voice was shrill in his ear, grating on his nerves as it always had. Only now, it was a million times worse because Kyo no longer simply disliked her. Now she was a person he could hate forever. But he kept the emotions from his face, careful to keep the blank mask in place as she screamed at him for answering her 'lover's' phone.

"He doesn't feel well. I think he has the flu or something." He shot Die a look to keep him shut up. "I'm sorry that it's me who you have to talk to, but I thought you might want to at least speak with someone rather than his voicemail."

She accessed that this was, in fact, better than that. Then she launched into telling him how she was pregnant and just knew it had to be Die's child. Kyo, on the other hand, pretended to be clueless, leaning against the wall and turning up the volume so Die could hear both sides of the conversation. "Whoa! Are you sure it's his? I mean... he's always so careful. Inoue makes all of us be and Die's just so fucking anal about stuff like that."

She told him she was sure it was Die's; that she hadn't been with another man. She even went so far as to describe the position they'd used when she'd supposedly conceived the child she currently carried.

Die looked panicked at that and Kyo asked her to hold on in pretense of hearing Die heaving his guts out and wanting to check on him real fast. He muted the phone. "What's wrong now?"

"She... that position," Die's face was ashen, "she's over three months pregnant if that's true." He barely even choked out the last words before Kyo was back on the phone, looking more irate than ever, but his voice still smooth as ice.

Kyo made his voice sound genuinely concerned, as if he were worried about her and could have given a shit about Die. "Di... that's terrible. I mean, you didn't want to be tied down so early, did you?"

She prattled on how she hadn't wanted to be and had played with the idea of getting rid of the child without Die knowing, either through abortion or adoption, but had decided that would be too hard on her 'frail' emotions. Kyo felt upset over the fact that she's not so much as asked if Die were okay. It was, perhaps, childish of him to expect such things. But, all the same, he did.

Di kept rambling and Kyo stopped listening. Instead, he thought on every way he could possibly have Die before he had to give him up. It was immature of him to think that he had a certain claim... a partial right... over Die, but when Di hadn't asked about the other man at all, he somehow thought he could justify one night to himself with the man he'd loved for far too long. The bitter thought remained that if he'd said so just four months ago, they could have avoided all of this and Die wouldn't just be his for a night.

Her voice screeched at him from the phone and he sighed. "I've got to go. Die's puking all over the floor and I have to get him cleaned up in time for the show. Call tomorrow." He hung up without so much as a single goodbye, just pressing the end button and then holding it down to power off the phone.

He moved closer to Die, reaching out and dropping the phone into his pocket and then yanking the guitarist against him, kissing him feverishly.

Die didn't even complain, he just responded, kissing back with equal ferocity. Despite being in the darkened alleyway, where anyone could walk up on them, neither man seemed to care. The minutes ticked by before Kyo pulled back from the kiss, shaking his head and resting one hand on Die's shoulder, squeezing it gently before he let out the saddest sigh he'd ever heaved.

He was wrong on so many levels. There was no way he could justify pushing his way into Die's life now, no matter the circumstances. "I can't do this," simple words with a much less simple reason behind them. But they did the job, got the point across more than enough.

Releasing Die's shoulder, Kyo slowly turned his back on the only man he'd ever loved and walked off down the alley, not even pausing at the bus. He just kept going, walking for the sake of trying to reason things out in his mind... walking to forget.

Die watched him go, tears in his eyes and a hole in his heart that he knew even time would never mend. But he knew, all the same, that this was the right decision. No matter the ache in his heart and soul, he'd move forward, push into a new life... for a new life.

**The End**  



End file.
